I spent the last week in a pretty bad mixed episode where I was either really manic or really depressed. I at one point spent a night out sitting in the rain, and another night getting really drunk. It was bad, I had to stay at my parents when Eric wasn’t home. My doctor figured out some meds for me, and they work, but I’m left tired and slow by them, I can’t type right, I can’t see right, thus I feel very worried about driving. I drive by myself to work tonight, and hopefully I’ll be ok. I just need to get used to the side effects I guess.

Last night I fell, not like the fall of Samson, not morally, or figuratively, maybe a little bit literally.

I ended up spending several hours outside in the rain, just sitting, waiting for Eric to get home, it felt good, like all the bad stuff was being held off by the rain, so he got there and I refused to come inside. I’m lucky he didn’t call the cops or and ambulance. My medication has been upped, hopefully it will have an effect. I feel like a helium balloon, like I need someone to hold me down, to keep me from wandering away and getting popped by a stray branch or by flying too high.

I’m spending the night at my parents to stay safe, so hopefully if it happens again I’ll hopefully go to one of them. I’m not suicidal, just, apathetic.

I’m realizing that people say things like this a lot. I’m also realizing that people define crazy in very different ways. I only rarely think of myself as crazy, normally when I’m at an extreme of the spectrum of mania and depression, but the rest of the time, I think of myself as normal. Of course normal is relative for each of us, my normal, and Eric’s normal are very different, I may feel normal, but lately he disagrees that I am not behaving normally. The pendulum is just swinging away and you never know how long it will stay in one place, or if the medication is working, truly working.

I’ve been reading books by women with bipolar disorder, Kay Redfield Jamison, seems…..in control, and clinical. I don’t feel much connection to her, Marya Hornbacher is just so all over the place, with so many diagnoses’ that I hardly know what is a product of her alcoholism, bulima, or bp. I feel like I need women my own age to talk to, to read, to relate. I know they exist, but how many of them have a publisher lined up to market their ramblings. I don’t know where I am anymore. I’m sleeping most of the time, dreaming, half awake, reading, and I feel…unlike anything I’ve ever felt, and I don’t know how to define it, or if it’s bad.

I will have gift certificates for body painting services at The 2009 Gathering of Goddesses and Gods hosted by Planned Parenthood of Indiana on April 18th

http://www.ppin.org/events.aspx?EventID=13

I will have gift certificates for body painting services at The 2009 Gathering of Godesses and Gods hosted by http://www.ppin.org/events.aspx?EventID=13

I am in the process of a HUGE overhaul on this site. I am switching it to focus on my work as a graphic designer and artist rather than as a body painter. I will continue body painting, but I need to use my site to the most advantageous means.

I am one of the new interns at Deadxstop Publishing. Fun times.

The website just went live this past week, so go check it out! http://www.deadxstop.com

Halloween rocked and I finally uploaded some images, there’re also some new ones in my graphic design portfolio!

The viewing error has been repaired!